Butterflies

Last night my pastor had a board meeting to discuss, among other things, the timetable for me returning to work :) When I went on sabbatical in April, the idea was that I would go to counseling, meet with my pastor at least a few times a month, and we would evaluate where I was at every 2 months. So, this is the first time I actually feel like I might be "ready" (whatever that means) to go back. I think I now have a better understanding of who I am in Christ, and what it takes to be a follower of Him, a husband, father, and minister.

But, I must say I am a bit nervous. There is a part of me that really wants to get back to work. I have really cherished my time off, the extra time I have been able to serve my family and spend more time with them, and the uninterrupted time with God. My focus has become much clearer, and I can only attribute that to having the extra time to dedicate to recapture that focus. But there is a part of me that has been itching to get back to preaching. I am not foolish enough to want my will to be exalted above God's will for my life, so if there is more healing I need or more time to dedicate to focusing in on God, then I am all for it. But that doesn't change my desire.

I am also nervous in that the youth group, and ministry in general will not be how I left it, or better yet how I would do it. That is a good thing. The youth leaders have done a tremendous job in my absence, and I look forward to be back, if nothing else than to be around them (and the youth) once again. But I have no idea how to do ministry anymore. God has rearranged my priorities and shifted so many things around in my personal life, that ministry will have to change. And that makes me a bit nervous.

I am nervous to stand in front of people and be vulnerable. I am nervous to build relationships. I am nervous to counsel. I am nervous to lead worship. I am nervous, but I am excited to no end because I can allow God to lead me instead of me leading everything.

So, on Tuesday, I find out my fate, so to speak. I meet with my pastor to see the verdict on if and when I will come back to work. I am nervous about that too... and that is a new feeling before. I have stood in front of thousands of people, spoke and led worship in front of hundreds, and never felt this way before. It reminds me that I am not in control, and I like that